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I got denied SSDI. I received an email requesting more information today, and was told they needed me to reply today or I would be denied. I went to the website to fill out the form and saw that the decision was made. I went back to my mail and saw that less than four hours after the initial email I received a follow-up email to check the status.

What pisses me off is that I didn’t even check my mail until after nine pm, there were no calls, and it appears that I would have almost had four hours to fill out a ten page form before they denied me.

I would love to have a way to make a living, I want to be around people, it is so hard to heal, and I am impatient.

Never in my life have I had such difficulty with movement, migraines, allergies, vertigo, weird skin conditions. I used to take antihistamines for seasonal allergies, now I take fexofenadine 2x a day. I treated my occasional migraines like clockwork before my period. Now I have migraines and pain nearly every day and my blood tests are normal. I used to bike every day and work on my feet as a cook. Now I can barely shower.

Every time I think I'm getting better, I get so excited. I tend the garden and sometimes run an errand, and then crash so hard I can barely function. Last week I took apart three broken push reel lawnmowers and made one working one. That took three hours over two days and it felt like a huge breakthrough. I was so sick after that I had to watch my son graduate from high school on my laptop. My elderly parents and daughter were in the bleachers and I was dizzy, watching at home in the bathroom.

I was prepared to have to wait to hear anything. I checked a few weeks ago and there was very little progress on my case. I was surprised to hear anything at all today. My first request for information was today at 12:35 pm, and the status was updated by 3:14 pm. Is this normal?

I don't want to need this, please, I want to heal. I want to be able to go back to school or work, this is not how I want to live. I was recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and started bupropion. I've always been able to push through pain and emotional struggle without medication (honestly it might have helped in the past but I digress), and now I depend on antihistamines, pain relievers, vitamins, and now bupropion just to be somewhat functional.

I know. I can appeal. What upsets me is that the information was requested the same day the decision was made, and I saw both emails late, but on the same day. It's absolute bullshit. This probably happens to so many people, and I am angrier about that. Y'all know this is systemic.

I am lucky that this happened on a day I can somewhat function mentally. I am able to be angry about it. Some days I have trouble checking email, my eyes can't do screens very long without triggering migraine aura.

Meanwhile, all the bills are going up. I want to scream.

Other than that, everything is okay. I took a shower, sat on the back steps, and looked at the nice garden I planted that El Niño has kept alive for me.